


breaking apart in your arms

by Dark_Writer



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Implied Alex/Kelly/Kara, Self-Harm, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 06:04:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21489568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dark_Writer/pseuds/Dark_Writer
Summary: 4 times Kara slept with someone she shouldn't.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kara Danvers, Kara Danvers/Cat Grant, Kara Danvers/Kelly Olsen, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Nia Nal
Comments: 10
Kudos: 146





	breaking apart in your arms

**Author's Note:**

> I originally submitted this to argyle-s on tumblr but decided to cross-post it here.

The first time Kara sleeps with someone when she knows her mental state means she shouldn’t, it’s Sara. She’s on the Waverider for a mission they needed her for, two weeks out from Mon-El’s departure and she feels alone. It’s not Mon-El she’s mourning for, not really, but the last shred of separation she had from her parents’ actions.

After all, to condemn someone to space, to the confined loneliness of that particular vacuum as the last of their people are destroyed?

May Rao forgive her.

Sara finds her there, poised to break through the glass and just let the time stream scatter her atoms through the ages. She doesn’t touch her, doesn’t do anything but sit next to her and wait for Kara to turn, look at her with pleading eyes.

Only then does Sara take her to bed, touches her, for the briefest moment ignites her body with something she hasn’t ever felt before.

When Sara pushes her tongue into her, whispers the Arabic words for little sun, she comes, back arching in a way she’s never done with her previous partners as her body loses all control.

Later, when she asks her about it, Sara will sheepishly admit that she’d had Gideon turn on red sun lamps the moment Kara stepped on the ship. She knows what it’s like, that feeling, knows how easy it is to lose herself for a moment in someone else, and she’d rather Kara take her than someone who couldn’t, wouldn’t know how to help her.

* * *

The second time it happens, she’s at a gala at the White House for President Marsdin’s ratifying of the Alien Amnesty Act into firmer, more permanent legislation. She’s bored and all she wants to do i stop pretending to be Kara Danvers, to lose herself in Supergirl so she doesn’t have to feel, doesn’t have to know what this aching chasm of loss can do to her.

Cat is the one who sees her, who leads her out of the room when her panic attack starts. One moment she’s fine and then the next she can’t breathe, can’t seem to stop her head from spinning.

She wants to pull away, to snap out that she’s fine, but it’s the look of concern in Cat’s eyes, hidden away by that always present mask of arrogance and superiority, that does her in and she lets her lead her to her penthouse.

Carter is with his father, so when Cat orders her to strip, to kneel and present herself, her body follows those orders. She lets her fuck her from behind, licks the tip of her fingers before they’re replaced by the bulbous head of a dildo that Cat makes her suck before fucking her ass with it.

She lets Cat debase her because she can, lets her stroke her hair and give her praise because it’s all she can cling to in that moment.

* * *

She doesn’t fuck her Earth-X doppelganger, but it’s a near thing. Kara’s not sure what that actually says about her.

* * *

She comes close to it once with Lena, lets her touch her, lets her play with her breasts while she strokes the woman’s hair and reassures her that she isn’t her family. She only stops because Alex calls, because Alex is in danger and she needs her sister and Kara can’t lose the only person who’s home for her.

She won’t return after, instead heading to her apartment and dry heaving as she watches herself in the mirror, watches the way Sam’s face superimposes itself over hers, Worldkiller, destroyer flashing through her mind.

Months later, as she’s forced to watch Lena walk out of L-Corp in DEO issue cuffs, the fight between them causing her to flare so fast and so suddenly, she’ll remember that, remember the sickening feeling that Lena was using her, would never have fully accepted her even then, she’ll remember the way her blood throbbed, the way she’d wanted to see if the glass would pierce her skin if she just pushed it hard and fast enough.

She vomits on the sidewalk.

* * *

Sleeping with Nia the next day is…a mistake, one she can’t forgive herself for even after the younger woman reassures her that it was wanted, that it was okay.

Kara knows better, can see the sting of rejection in her gaze, the quiet slump of her shoulders as she walks away. She wants to call after her, to tell her that it’s not her fault and that Kara never meant to hurt her, but she can’t. Words are stones on her tongue and she has to turn away no matter how painful the action is.

* * *

Sleeping with Kelly comes a few hours later.

She’s on the old, familiar balcony, looking out when she hears her, doesn’t turn around. Instead, she keeps looking down, contemplating all the ways that this one place has come to be a constant for her when all else changes.

When Kelly touches her shoulder, she spins around and in a thoughtless second she’s kissing her, pouring all her desperation and fear and need into it. She can’t speak, can’t do anything but cry as she begs her to hurt her, to make her forget the pain of loss that comes with losing yet another person she’s cared for.

That night she’s needy and desperate and clawing, wanting, asking, pleading for Kelly to help her, to make her forget and to punish her at the same time.

It’s not enough.

* * *

Alex’s touch is both heaven and hell. She tells her about Nia, about Lena and Cat and Sara. She spends hours detailing all the ways she took it out on Leslie, on Siobhan and Imra and anyone who was willing to bed her.

When she gets to Kelly, she submits, begs for forgiveness as she watches Alex go from sympathy to horror to betrayal to cold realisation. She begs her to take it all away, to make it stop, to make her stop, because she’s hurt the only person who’s her home, completely and wholly, because she’s hurt the one person she’d sworn her life to keep safe at all costs.

She expects the emitters, doesn’t expect Kelly to come to her rescue, doesn’t expect the way she whispers to Alex, the way Alex goes from betrayal to hurt and hunger and yearning all at the same time and all for her.

She flinches at the first touch, at the second and the third and the fourth. Alex spanks her until she’s crying into her sheets, pleading with her to make it stop, to make it better the way she always has.

It’s only when she’s shaking, when she can’t make a sound past the chattering of her bones and muscles, that Alex takes her to bed, uses her fingers and her tongue to burn away the pain, to kiss Kara’s grief off of her skin.

Unlike the others, Alex doesn’t use a strap-on once, doesn’t let silicon and leather come between them. When she pushes her fingers into her cunt, Kara cries out into her mouth silently, the tears wetting both their cheeks.

She touches her with a reverence Kara doesn’t think she deserves, worships her in the way that only Alex can, sinks all her love and their collective pain and grief into her touch.

After, Kara expects to the be thrown out, to be told that she’s crossed too many lines. She expects Alex to never want to see her again and she’s prepared herself for it.

Instead, Alex pulls her close, presses her lips to her hair as Kelly joins them, ensconcing her in a warmth she thinks she doesn’t deserve.

For the first time, Kara finds her faith anew.


End file.
